Nothing in Nottingham
28 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in From My Pen Tags: Babaneyo, Blog, Blog Post, Bored, Mission, Nothing
Codename: Babaneyo
Location: Main Library, University of… Mind your business, UK
Mission: Write an interesting blog post
The following are time logs of significant importance
Monday 28th May, 2012 12:32pm
I’m seating in front of my laptop and instead of revising for my exam which is in about 90 minutes I’m here thinking of what i could post about. Not like i don’t have ideas up in my head or stories stored somewhere in laptop but my mind isn’t ready to release yet so I’m coming here this Monday with absolutely nothing.
Side note: I’m happy for all this sun we’ve been having even though I haven’t had time to enjoy it but at least I get to see half naked girls prance about while I walk my own way. Also, with this summer being all about flower patterned dresses it makes it all so slutty and beautiful at the same time. I love it
On the bright side (at least for me) I end exams in 4 days, last school exam I’ll ever have to write in my life hopefully and then we can come out and party
Next week I will have something to write about. I will. I pinky promise
Mission Assessment: Mission Failed!
#003
21 May 2012 1 Comment
in Things I So Hate Tags: Exams, General, Hate, Movies, Random, Sleep, Things I Hate
I really can’t think of a specific thing to hate on this week. I don’t even know why I have to hate on something every week but like the Hulk I’m always angry and this is one of the things that keep me sane with food being the main source of sustenance.
As I don’t have a specific topic (my mind has been busy with final exams and all) I’ll run through 5 things I’ve hated so much this past year.
1. Exams: I think I’ve been a good student, gone for as many classes as my body will allow me wake up for and done all my courseworks so do they still have to quiz me on the things in my note? Can’t they just have faith I have learnt? By the way, I don’t even test well. I get nervous. Me in an exam room is equivalent to a guy being caught red-handed cheating on his girlfriend, I’m always lost for words even though I have been preparing for this moment for centuries (in the cheating guys case he also has been practicing his lies for days. Yes! Guys do that, at least the smart ones).
2. Being woken from sleep: You know when you’re in that level of dream and it is getting so sweet you just want to be stuck in inception forever? That’s the level of sleep I reach each time even if it’s a small nap. Like on Thursday, I’m sleeping and dreaming that I’m being kissed all over by a special someone (name withheld for legal reasons) and then my housemate walks into my room in his bored state and asks “Are you awake?”, I couldn’t reply, I just looked up, turned my head, gave him this look and continued sleeping (I think he got the message). Btw, the dream didn’t come back. It never does *weeps*
3. People calling me up to entertain them: I’m not exactly the funniest of people but I try to leave people with a laugh or two because I believe happiness is one of the things that keep us alive (behind food and anger). But when you think you can just pick up your phone and call me or send me a bbm saying “Niyi I’m bored. What’s up? Entertain me” I swear to God I don’t care how big your boobs are I’ll hang up on you, get in a bus, come to your house, cut you open and feed you your liver for entertainment. Stupid fucking friends zone people.
4. People that talk in the cinema: OMD!!! These people are the worst. We have both purchased tickets (and also 3D glasses as the case may be), gotten to our seats and then the movie starts. So basically from my description we both started the movie together and then something crazy happens and you tap me “Fuck! Niyi did you just see that?” “Shit! That scene was intense” “This movie reminds me of the original one from 1968” No I didn’t see that you fucking retard I got distracted by you tapping me to watch a scene from a movie I’m already watching nor have I watched the original from 1968 (and even if I have I’m remembering it in my head like a normal person).
5. Farting: I do not even hate on people who fart. I just hate the fact that when the urge comes I cannot just drop a nice silent one because it might smell and that would be super odd. Happened to me last week, I went to see a friend of mine, I’m chilling at her crib gisting with all her housemates and then I get the urge and this was going to be a banger. The type that even after 20 years of marriage you shouldn’t drop in front of your wife. I’m holding it in and someone had to just say something crazy funny which made me almost roll on the floor and lose control which in turn almost made me drop the banger. I was THIS close. *whew* But just for the sake of those that care, I survived. Oh crap, she and her housemates will read this and my secret will be out in the open. Ehmmm… oh well.
Am I up to 700 words now? Yes I am. I think I’ll end there now plus I actually have books to read. Stupid exams. Before I go, I found out something weirdly amazing this week. Anything vanilla flavored is made from… Wait for it… beaver pee (If you think I’m lying Google that shit).
That’s where it ends. I wish you all a week full of joy and happiness.
Come back next Monday at 1pm for another post but are you really that jobless though?
Like this:
#002
14 May 2012 1 Comment
in Things I So Hate Tags: Crappy Movies, Hate, I hate Tyler Perry, Tyler Perry
Let me start by saying this. I HATE TYLER PERRY.
If that statement offends you then don’t bother reading on because it only gets worse.
So Tyler Perry originally known as Emmitt Perry Jnr. decided to mind fuck an entire generation with his shitty writing and screen plays because when he was 10 he was gang banged by 3 men (no jokes, Google that shit). Apparently, writing was and is still therapeutic for him… Lies! Nigga is 42 and still not married. Little fucker!
I haven’t seen all his 13 movies, 17 stage plays and 3 television series but from the little I’ve seen (and also from what I’ve heard and watched on Boondocks) I know this guy is no good. It’s always basically the same thing every time… A hardworking Christian girl marries a hopeless black man and later discovers after serious prayers that the other hardworking black man with 6 pack abs is the one for her. Literally, the story of his parents’ marriage which I do not care about.
Pause! Have I told you why this dude changed his name? I haven’t? Ok so let me tell you. Apparently, when he was young like 7 or 8-ish whenever he did something wrong his dad would get really angry and beat him (I don’t know the extent of the beating, I wasn’t there) and since he was named after his father when he turned 16 he changed his name to help him forget the pain that came with the name. Hahahahaha!!! If it was like that half of Nigerian children would have done name change sinceeeeeeeeee.
Ok. I’m back.
So this my guy they call Tyler Perry is a stingy bastard. Yes he is. He has 13 movies, directed 11 of them, written 12, produced all 13 and starred (as the main guy) in 10 of the movies. WHY TYLER PERRY? WHY? He gives us this bullshit about empowering black people and yet he does everything in every movie. So how are you empowering anyone? I really don’t get it. What about his screen plays and television series? He wrote, directed and produced ALL of them but he didn’t act a role in just 6.
Then there’s the case of the annoying old woman that he plays as a cross-dresser named Madea. Her relevance to anything at all is never there. She just makes noise and curses and insults people for the entire movie stating very obvious facts and also for some reason she is related to everyone in every movie. Or maybe all his movies are related. Ehmmm, either ways I hate that character.
Another pause. Did you know that 95% of movies that have to do with cross-dressing are acted by black people? I’m giving the other 5% in case there are movies I’m missing (obviously I haven’t seen every movie) but so far from my data all of them are done by blacks.
Unpause.
I think I’m done. If you haven’t seen any of Tyler Perry’s movies they are not hard to miss. The movie title always start with “Tyler Perry’s…”, maybe he does that just in case someone wants to pirate it or something you don’t forget whose movie it is. This act is synonymous to Lil’ John shouting “Yeah!” or Rick James shouting “It’s Rick James bitch”.
But before I go I want to do something *drumroll*
Babaneyo’s Tyler Perry awards (see what I did there? It’s my awards bitch. Yeah!)
Best movie – Good Deeds. Haven’t seen it myself but my friend DK assures me it’s his best work yet. She cried like 10 times when she watched it but then she also cried yesterday because it was too cold outside.
Worst movie – They all suck to me.
Best movie title – Madea goes to jail. Just because Madea went to jail in the movie I love it.
Worst movie title – Why did I get married too? If you were confused as to why you got married the first time why try it again?
Best actor (that wasn’t Tyler Perry) – Idris Elba. Because he repented of his ways after staring in Daddy’s Little girl. Now he hates Tyler Perry and he hates Madea too
Best actress (that wasn’t Tyler Perry) – Sofia Vergara. Duh! Boobs
Best movie scene – I can’t remember which movie it is but at the end when the husband tried to come back and they were all in the kitchen then the wife poured hot garri on him. Ultra-lolz!!!
Now I’m done for real.
Peace out!
A-town
Yeah!
Untitled
07 May 2012 3 Comments
in Things I So Hate Tags: coal miners, Disney, fairy godmother, Happy Endings, Hate, Princess, princess snow white, Things I Hate, wicked bitch
I’m not one of those bloggers that would not post something in a while and apologize… Oh ok I am. I’m sorry. Thing is I lost my funny bone, I literally cannot think of anything happy or funny to write about. Guess my ex-girlfriend took it with her after the break up, she’s the reason I started writing in the first place… She was my muse (someone say awww). I got a new muse now though and I am trying to milk its inner powers to kick start what is left of my writing career if I am ever to resurrect to greatness again.
Enough “shaleye” for one post and down to today’s post. I want to write about something that pisses me off so much whenever I see, hear or even smell them. I’m talking about Disney’s Princess.
Snow White: Did you know Snow White was albino? I’m sure you didn’t. For some reason unknown to me the queen wanted to be the fairest in the land. I guess albinism was cool back then the same way setting p is a social standard for everyone right now. That aside, this slut after being chased from the castle by the wicked bitch found an empty apartment in the forrest, cleaned it (even before the home owners got home) and decided that there was nowhere else she would rather go than live with 7 dwarf coal miners. The story kind of gets away from me and somehow she died from eating an apple (she didn’t learn from Eve) then a prince from nowhere kissed her and she woke up. Mtchwww!!!
PS: Doc still creeps me out. He has a medical degree for fucks sake.
Cinderella: I admire this chic because she knew what she wanted and she went for it, although she used witchcraft. A lonely slave girl also maltreated by her stepmother decided enough is enough and she was going to move out but then she had no money so she decided to jazz the prince but she did this with stealth. She consulted her female herbalist aka fairy godmother for help. I mean, seriously, the woman turned pumpkins and rats into beautiful things while giving Cindy a shoe only she could wear (or maybe she was the only size 7 back then who knows). It all screams ritual to me. Well, it all worked out, the jazz worked and she and the prince lived happily ever after. The End.
Aurora: Lazy bitch
Ariel: Greedy bitch with a marvellous voice.
Belle: Belle oh Belle, great-great-great grandmother of beastality. This is a narration of the idiocy in this story. Girls father gets lost and imprisoned by beast, girl looks for father and finds beast, beast has dinner with girl, beast saves girl from wolves, beast has a library and girl likes books, girls falls in love and totally forgets father (the reason why she was there in the first place) and as always they live happily ever after. So I’m expected to read this to my child one day before she goes bed? Really? And what am I teaching her? If a dog protects you marry it even if it bits me? Oh yeah, she did actually get her father back but then she was already girlfriend to the beast so no one cares.
Jasmine: I actually do like her so she’s cool. Pet tiger was cool too.
Tiana: Only American and black princess Disney ever cooked up. A negro chic that started out as a waiter working 2 jobs, which is infact believable as we all know how black people like to go suffer in another man’s country. Yada yada yada, she met a frog that needed a kiss of life to turn human again and they lived… Oh wait, she wasn’t actually a princess, her restaurant that she later owned thanks to her strong African skills is named “Tiana’s Palace”… *hiss* Moving on.
Are there any other princesses I forgot? Pocahontas, Mulan and Rapunzel? As irrelevant as turning on a candle outdoors in bright sunlight. I guess this ends my rant for today. You actually lasted this long? Shame on you you lifeless human being.
I have no dramatic ending, no funny end remarks or blog song. I also lost those in the breakup.
Arrrggghhh!!! Just read this post and it sucked. Oh well, it’s my blog so I can do anything I like.
Remix
05 May 2012 1 Comment
in From My Pen Tags: Boredom, comedy, entertainment, In paris, Jay-z, Kanye, Remix
A bored friend and I decied to write our own remix to Niggas in Paris. So here goes:
Kevmeister’s verse:
So I ping so hard muhfuckas wanna invite me
But first niggas gotta find me
What’s 10 grand contacts to a muhfucka like me
Can you please remind me?
Ping so hard, this network crazy
Y’all don’t know that, ur using Airtel
Loyal to MTN, since 1982, so don’t look at me like this shit gravy
Ping so hard, this invite weird,
He ain’t supposed to have my pin,
(Ping so hard) since he’s here
It’s only right I ignore him.
Psycho, I’m liable to go Micheal
Take ur pick, Jackson, Scofield, Jordan, Game Seeez
Ping so hard, got a bold touch, casing that go tick tock
Le Alarm that’s losing time, ringing it’s way out these airlocks
Ping so hard, I’m shocked too, my phone’s supposed to be crashing too.
You update what I update
You’d be in Paris pinging bitches too
Ping so hard, let’s get faded, MTN’s off for like 6 days
Red pings, purple bcs, spilling messages on my bb-m
(Ping so hard) Bitch behave, just might let u ping Ney,
Got a new invite, I’m moving her now to “Ladies”
Babaneyo’s verse:
She said Niyi can we meet up at the mall?
I said you need to call before you come
Come and meet me in Nandos huh
And show me why you deserve to have it all
Ball so hard,
That shit cray, Ain’t it Kay?
Ball so hard
What she order? Pie and cake
Ball so hard
My dip so cold, chips ain’t bad
Ball so hard
Act like a motherfucker just play golf all day
See this girl, forming bad
Pinged her since to come and dance
She replied and I was denied (I’m just saying)
Prince Williams did alright if you ask me
Cause even him no fit get Mary Kate & Ashley
What’s Gucci my nigga? (Cloth)
What’s Louie my nigga? (King)
What’s drugs my deala? (Weed)
What’s that jacket, Margiela? (I no know)
Doctors say I’m the realest
Cause I’m suffering from illness
Got my people in Mushin
And they’re bribing policemen
Hope
14 Feb 2012 18 Comments
in From My Pen Tags: dodo, dodo appreciation, love, valentine's day
*sounds of running footsteps and incessant panting*
“Try and keep up!”, shouts Obinna
“I’m shot you dumbass. You don’t expect me to run as fast as you”, I reply
I’m running behind him with a limp, we look back to see the two men still behind us, on our tail. They look familiar. They must be Wigglebuttom’s men.
*shots fired*
“Are you hit?”, asks Obinna
“No. At least not again”
“Fine. Enter here”, he says turning into an apartment complex.
We enter the building and make our way to the roof as fast as we can. The burst of adrenaline causing me to forget I have sustained a gunshot wound.
This is not happening. In the past three days I’ve been shot 6 times and been hospitalized for a day. I have no idea why I’m being chased after and why Wigglebuttom, the most notorious gangstar in Newcastle, is trying to kill me. This is all like a dream but it wasn’t. It was happening for real.
“What do we do now? Cos these men will soon arrive at this building, and once that happens we are screwed”, I ask
“Just tell them where it is”, he says
“Tell them where what is?”
“I got a call saying they were coming for you in the hospital but will not hurt you if you tell them where what they are looking for is and you’ll know what it is”, says Obinna
“This must be a case of mistaken identity”, I reply
*phone rings*
“You don’t seriously want to take that at this point”, Obinna grunts
“It’s Onela. If I’m going to die here, I might as well get to hear her voice one last time”
I pick the call,
“Baby, don’t…*static* him… of…*static*”
The network is really bad in Newcastle and I can hardly hear what she’s saying.
*commotion coming in the distance*
“JUMP!”
“To where?”
“From this roof to the other one”
“You must be mad!”
“JUMP!!!”
“Are you fucking kidding me? I fucking can’t”
Obinna screams out of anger. Grabs my hand and attempts to make the jump
*noise gets closer*
*roof door falls to the boot of one of the dudes*
“Don’t move, you fucking ants”, says 1st scary dude with a gun
I could feel some liquid run down my trousers now. I swear I think it was raining that’s why.
“Wigglebuttom wants to see you Mr. Babaneyo”, says 2nd scary dude
“Why is this? I haven’t done anything to attract his interest in me, have I?”
“When you get to him, you’ll find out”
They put bags over our heads, tie my hands and I feel being led out of the roof with a gun to the back of my head then I hear it… a gun shot. I don’t feel myself falling so… so… OMG! They killed Obinna!!!
Several minutes later we arrive at Wigglebuttom’s house and the bag is removed from my head.
“Where is the other one?”
“We killed him boss”
“Good. He was useless to me. Gave him a week and he still couldn’t find out where the bloody thing is”
So Obinna was in on this the whole time. That rat bastard.
“So where is it?”
“Where is what?”
*slaps across my face*
I’m in pain and in a complete state of confusion. It doesn’t take long for Wigglebuttom to realize I have no clue what he speaks of.
“I will ask this one more time. Where is the last piece of dodo in the UK? I hear you have it. I want that dodo. I need that dodo. I must have that dodo”
“NEVER! I can never part ways with it. I’ll rather die than see it fall into your evil hands”
His anger has waxed stronger. He brings out his gun and points it between my eyes.
“Is this enough motivation to talk?”
*swallow saliva*
“I’m never telling you where the dodo is”
“Kill him and then go kill the Onela girl. He’s useless to me”
“The code is 191092. It’s in my safe deposit box in the bank. Box 45”
“Which bank?”
“Barclays”
“Alright! Let him go boys, we have the location now”, Wigglebuttom spouts gleefully.
I was let go and even though I lost my dodo, I didn’t lose my Onela.
Dodo is a vital part of our lives but there is one thing greater… Love. Happy Valentine’s day people.
Thanks for reading as always.
Blog Song – The Power of Love by Celine Dion
S&D
08 Feb 2012 8 Comments
in Tales About Emotions Tags: delilah, gift, love, samson, valentine's day
“That bitch!”
I’m assuming that’s what Samson thought when he woke up and all his hair was gone but we would never know. I can only speculate.
We all know the story right? Samson was born, he was strong like a lion, brisk like a gazelle and all that because of one fundamental factor… his hair. Then he met a girl at the Brook of Sorek (presently located near a railroad in Tel-Aviv), he fell in love, he did not catch a grenade for her but he once killed a lion by tearing its mouth open so that has to count for something. This dude was smitten but what did this evil female go and do? She nagged and nagged and nagged to find out the secret of his strength. Note I said “secret”, meaning it wasn’t her business but then girls have to know everything and after all the nagging he told her (even with all his physical strength he was no match for the power of a woman’s nagging).
Now that she knew what did she do? She sold the information for 1100 pieces of silver (approximately worth $36,641 today). At least she has more value that Judas who sold his own info for a worthless amount of 33 pieces of silver (approximately $1,099.23). Smh.
Samson woke up weak, powerless and was captured. Used as a slave, eyes removed but before he died he at least killed all of them even though he died along with them.
SO WHY DID I SAY THIS STORY?
I’m glad you asked
Well, Valentine’s Day is coming and many of us are like Samson (this also applies to females)
- We think we have found love and are ready to travel miles for this because from descriptions Samson did not live near the brook where he met Delilah.
- Unlike uncle Bruno Mars, we might not be ready to catch grenades and I doubt we even want to think of stopping traffic with your body for her but then we do things close to this. The extents we go for people just to prove they mean something to you and you keep getting deliciously blackmailed into doing more. STOP IT!
- If you are with a nagger tell her/him to stop such Delilah behavior because curiosity didn’t only kill the cat but it sent the dog to the hospital.
- We all have our weaknesses, our strengths and our fears. I’m not saying don’t share it with your partner and be island on your own in a relationship because sharing and overcoming is what makes a relationship even stronger but some us are in relationships with Delilah’s that just want to use these information against us so you just need to be careful.
- This is my last point and I cannot press this enough. DON’T KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BUY VALS GIFT. Buy what you can afford. Don’t take loan from your friends because your pocket-money/salary hasn’t come yet. Don’t go beyond your means because no matter how hard you try your father isn’t Bill Gates so someone can do better than you. You buy her gold chains? Someone will buy her diamonds. You spend your whole pocket-money on his gift? All the “other” girl has to do is be hot and offer him sex (sometimes she doesn’t even have to be hot, Boys are that stupid).
My words never sink into your hearts but Babaneyo tries his best all the same. Take it easy out there and please oh please if you are going to “play” then play safe and use a condom.
Blog Song – Hey There Delilah by Plain White Tees
Side bar: Someone emailed me asking why I never write about myself or “issues” facing us on twitter. Well this blog is not a diary or twitter so why should I?
